i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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