Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
