so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
