you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
