look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
