Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
