Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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