Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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