All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
