you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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