i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
