What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
