i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
