i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
