i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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