There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
