wake up i wanna do it froggy style
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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