R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
