Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
