hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Come share oat with me in your robe
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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