I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
