Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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