if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
