Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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