I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
3pm strippers are depressing
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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