I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
