blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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