my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
