He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
