she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
