The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
