omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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