PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
