the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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