shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
