anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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