life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
