Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
