I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I still donโt believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
Randomize