omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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