when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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