She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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