Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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