There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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