I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
