mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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