I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
