I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He literally asked permission to hit on me
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize