Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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