Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
