it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
