I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
