he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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