So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
