his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
