My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
