Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
