Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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