My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
