if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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