I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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