If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
