I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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