Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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